There is never a problem to which you can find no solution.

You know what? I’ve sorted my head out! And it didn’t even rain. This calls for celebration! Think I’ll go and fetch myself a cookie.. Anyway: I’ve solved all of my problems. I haven’t written about all of them here, so I’ll fill you in. 1. Nick, of course. Classic. But now it’s history. I don’t want someone who thinks solely about sex, cannot commit, is not loyal, childish ( I mean like, facing problems and stuff. I have no objection against childish fun. You know, playful, cheerful etc. I mean that he does not deal with things in a grown-up matter), sexist-ish and so the list goes on. I’ve settled with the fact that I’m better off without him. Too bad for him. 2. School. I’m choosing subjects for the next term, and I really didn’t know what to do. I was so sure on my subjects: I wanted to become a doctor, so what was there to choose? But then I realised I liked the thought of me as a doctor, but not so much being it. Anyway, I’m going to be a lawyer or something. It makes me happy to think of it. I feel motivated and good enough, sort of. 3. Homework. Couldn’t concentrate. But since Nick is out of my system, and the subjects are re-chosen, it’s much easier. Besides, I just had two great weeks of holiday, which I spent I Los Angeles. Joy! 4. Stress level. Because of – again – Nick and homework, much more relaxed now. 5. Emily, not seeing her that is. Missed her like crazy. I love all my friends like Hell, I love them! But she is my very best friend, like a sister. She knows me, I can be myself and talk to her about absolutely everything. We’ve been through so much and we’re relay close. She’s home now, my mood can’t get any better! I really want her to come home (yes, this is really selfish of me to say, I know). I feel much happier when she’s around, and I miss her so much. So yes – I’m selfish, and want her back. I don’t think she even realises what our friendship means to me. It means.. God, it means more or less everything. If anything were to break us apart, I think I would’ve died. Literally. “There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter and just live life a little better.” And that’s what Emily is to me.

Missing: Rain. Last seen: October 2009.

I’m sick of this. Why can’t it stop? I want it back… – oh, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sick of the sun. And this is not some sort of freaky metaphor that I just drew up, I’m literally sick of the sun. I miss the rain. Supposedly I live in part of the country where it rains the most. But that only covers spring, summer and fall, I guess. Now, either the sun shines or it snows. Sun and snow. That’s all I get.

And really, this is awful. Rain is what I love the most, what makes me happy. And before you ask – No, I’m not writing a post about how I miss rain because I’m sarcastic. I really do miss it. I need it. I need rain to think. And I’ll probably have to wait at least three months before the snow melts and the rainclouds can enchant me with their presence.

Every time it pours down, I walk, you see. About 8 kilometres. Just walk and walk and walk. It’s peaceful. I get to think, to consider. I find peace within myself (ok, it sounds lunatic) and I can see both sides of a matter. Really, it’s no wonder I’ve felt down and confused: I couldn’t find anyone or anywhere to help me sort my mental head out. That’s something only “bad” weather can do. Oh rain, beautiful rain, come back to me!

Hmm, I think I’ll go dance my special Rain Dance. Ciao.

Pain and serene happiness.

Hi y’all. Haven’t written anything in some time now. Been quite busy, I have. And just… Down. Low. Life sound despicable. But I’m getting better every day.

I just read through all of the posts. How much things can change, ey? And as I did so, I realised that I was not mistaken. I was right. About Nick. I read the signs correctly. Weird to think of now really.

Anyway, my life has sucked hard lately. It is so hard. To get up in the morning, to live through each day, to smile. I’m so good at keeping my mask. I even surprise myself. I smile, I might even feel a hint of happiness, but it is not honest, not true. It’s on autopilot.

It hurts. It just hurts. To have been so close, and then lose it. To watch it fall apart. To remember. I think that is what makes it so painful, the fact that I remember. When we kissed. When we hugged. When we laughed. When we talked. We talked about everything. It felt like he really got me. And what does he think about me now? Well, apparently I’m very childish (and this is coming from a 19 years old guy that swing around a pillar in a mall, doesn’t tell someone that his feelings are changing – just avoid them, flirt with everyone because he wants them to like him and who thinks solely about sex). Pathetic choice, my dear pounding heart. Why didn’t you ignore this guy?

Well, I’m finally beginning to smile again. For real, I mean. With all of me, all that I am. Smiling. Why? – Because of Jake. You know, I never got over him, I just got back to Nick. Anyway, I’m not planning on starting a thing with him now, but he makes me so happy. He lightens my day. A smile, a small conversation or a ‘hi’ – I can’t stop myself from being serenely happy. Not because I’m in love or something, but because Jake is Jake. And because of that simple existence of his, I’m able to smile again. I feel honestly happy. Tiny pieces of my heart are coming back together, mending. Thank you, Jake. Thank you for being you.

Making progress.

I just bought 4 books today. 3 about yoga and other ways of gaining peace, harmony, balance and inspiration, and one other: The Secret, that many probably have heard about? Well, I figured I should at least try to make progress. To feel like I’m actually doing something. So I figured this was the way. Didn’t cost me too much either, and I love books. Speaking of which: I have to buy some new ones. I don’t like to read books in my language; I like to read in English. And the libraries around here don’t have the most unlimited range of books to offer. So I’ll have to take the train to the second biggest city within the boarders of this country. Well, it’s only an hour away, and they have amazing bookshops. I need some new books now, read all the ones that I bought two weeks ago. Anyway, keeping myself occupied at the same time that I feel like I’m doing something. Making progress. Not just waiting for it to pass by itself. And when I do that, there’s some kind of hope at the end of the tunnel.

Numbness and an awful sense of humour.

I feel so numb. It’s like I only exist. Not living, just.. Existing. How long does this last? Whoever controls this: I’m ready to get over it now! I’m ready, but I can’t do it. There’s so many memories and feelings and dreams that I can’t let go of. It feels like there is no one In the whole entire world that could be a better fit for me than Nick (well, technically, that’s not true, because if he was the best fit, this wouldn’t have happened, but you know.)

And I am so sick of love songs, I’m so tired of tears – quoting Ne-yo, hee-hee. I wrote ‘hee-hee’, am I on the road to independence and freedom from this shittrance? Guess the answer is no. No, I am not. I’m still numb, hurt and partly suicidal. But do not misunderstand me here, folks, I do NOT want to kill myself. I just want to kill the part of me that longs for him. I want to kill that part of me that remembers him. I want to kill that part that loves him. Yup, that’s what I want to do. So that the rest of me can live happily unknowing. So that I can feel truly happy again. Because right here, right now: It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be able to smile from my heart again.

If it’s one thing I really manage, it is to put on an act. I can hide the most gruesome things underneath a fake smile, and a plastic laughter. I’ve had practise. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never see me sad, on the contrary: Right now I don’t care how dead I look. But believe me; I can look so incredibly normal and happy at times when I just want to burry myself in the ground.

Now, all of this may seem stupid and overrated. I would think so if I read this. If these words were written by another person’s hand. But I’ve been there, I know how it feels. And yes – I will probably laugh at this one day. I hope so. But right now, this is unbearable. It’s so… stupid, really. But I can’t locate the power to just not give a shit about it. I truly am stupid. This is actually laughable. It’s hilarious. I know it is. But I’m too tired to care..!

Just for the fun of it (and because I feel like adding something) here are all the languages I can say ‘thanks’ in. This list makes my day. You get the idea of numbness? Anyway:

Thank you – English

Grazias – Spanish

Merci – French

Danke – German

Kapkomka – Thai (I’m not quite sure how you write it, though)

Takk – Norwegian

Nihao ­– Chinese (Not sure about the spelling there, either.)

Thank you, my beloved awful sense of humour.

Well, for those of you who are laughing, and think I’m a total idiot: I hope I made you day a little more interesting.

“Eat healthy, diet. Still die.”

Goodbye I guess.

Nick. I hate you. I fully and holy hate you! You tell me you’re in love with me, you kiss me.. you… you told me everything I wanted to hear. And then, all of a sudden, what I am is nothing more than a friend. A friend. A girl. Just someone you happen to know.

Actually I hate myself more than I hate him. Because, somehow, I knew this would happen. But I didn’t want to admit it. When he broke up with his girlfriend because he was in love with me, I couldn’t admit it. And when he told me what he felt, I was convinced. When he kissed me, my life suddenly became light as the sun on a hot summers day. My heart was pounding with all it’s force, making be so happy that I almost wanted to lay down and die. I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t handle the way I felt. I couldn’t handle to have experienced something so amazing.

And now? Well, I’ve been crying non-stop for half an hour, and dragging myself along the floor, because the pain is too enormous to sit still. Are you having a nice day too? Well, once, and hopefully soon, this will be over. It seems like this is nothing but a game for him. He’s in love with a girl until he gets her, then she’s of no interest.

But this time I’ve learned my lesson. He can’t be trusted. He’s nothing but an idiot and pathetic player disguised as a gentleman and a handsome Prince Charming. Put this time I know. I’m like Bridget Jones. Falling momentarily back to the guy I once fell for, but who turns out to be just as much of an asshole as the time before. Sorry Nick. This time you’re really loosing me. I don’t want a guy that I can’t count on, and that changes his mind all the time. I’ll get through this. And if he changes his mind again, then I’ll tell him off. I’m sick of his moodchanges. If he wanted me, I mean really wanted me, he wouldn’t hesitate or change his decisions. Goodbye Nick.

The seed of Doubt.

I just need to quote something. It sort of explains a bit of what I’m feeling: ‘It started with the perfect kiss then, we could feel the poison set in.’ From the song Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson.

It’s just that: I’ve been hurt so many times before. So even the very tiny, unnoticeable things plants the seed of doubt in me.

Please, – You moron.

I’m not sure where I’ve got him. Nick I mean (hard to guess, I know!) Anyway, I still feel that he’s missing her. That he longs for her. That he regrets me. That he does not want it to become anything. That he wishes he could rewind time and erase the terrible mistake of kissing me. But that he just can’t find the courage to do so.

I mean, if my stomach is right – that he wants her back – I wish he’d tell me so. I mean, I would rather have someone else chosen over me, than to have to be where I am: wanting to let go if he does not want me, but terrified to do so in case there might be something there. If he could just tell me what he wants, I could act from there. But this way, I’m just hanging by a thread in each direction, and can’t do anything. I’m so depressed, ‘cause I don’t know what he wants or thinks, and I want to be happy. So get you act together and decide, you moron!

Please. I’m so sick of this. Not knowing. Not doing. Not getting to be happy because you’re running around flirting (or so it seems) with everyone. Especially your ex. Please. Please.

WOW: “What’s done is done. But the future is still in you hand.”

Show me some positivity.

I’m in such a good mood! I’m so motivated! I want to do homework (?) and train like an athlete and run until I don’t have any kind of energy left in my lazy body. I’m in that kind of trance (or whatever I should call it) when I don’t care about anyone or anything, I just want to rock! Hee-hee. Well, when I’m out of this overenthusiastic phase of mine, I’ll probably be as good as normal. Or as normal as I can be.

Anyway, I get these ‘boosts’ when I just want to clean, train, eat healthy, do my homework, take care of all my duties and save the whole wide world and stuff. So, well, I sort of made myself a motivation list of songs. Girlpower, happy, motivating, oneman party songs, call them whatever. They make my mood good, and I get motivated and positive. And yes, some of them are Hannah Montana songs. And no, I don’t like Miley/Hannah, whatever you fans call her. But she has some good songs. And when I like a song, I don’t care how old it is, or who is singing it. So go ahead, shout some brave crap at me while you’re at it. I don’t care.

Anyway:

1. Unwritten – Natasha Bedingfield. Listen to it when I feel like I won’t dare to be me.
2. That Girl – Lindsay Lohan. Self-esteem people.
3. Who Said – Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. Motivation.
4. Cuz I can – P!nk. Good mood/training song.
5. Life’s what you make it – Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. Positivity blossoms.
6. Pocket full of sunshine – Natasha Bedingfield. Happy song.
7. I’ve got nerve – Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.
8. Allstar – Smashmouth
9. Positivity – Ashley Tisdale.
10. American Idiot – Greenday.

Ok, that’s the first 10. I’ll update with list number 2 later,  but right now I’m so tired I have to go to bed.

Just one more thing before I sleep. Haven’t remembered the WOW’s lately, but here they are:

WOW: “A good plan is not a good plan unless it is turned into action.”

The last time. And that part of him.

When I thought life couldn’t get any better, my head starts making a resistance. I don’t know why, or how, but my stomach tells me that Nick is not over his previous girlfriend. And I know for a fact that she misses him. And I feel like there’s not a chance in the freakin’ sea that they won’t get together again. There is a voice in my head, screaming at highest rate that I should turn around and run before history repeats itself. Before I get hurt even worse than the last time. I don’t feel that I can trust him. That I can rely on him. I’m so scared that he might tell me “Sorry, I was wrong. I’m not in love with you. I miss her. It was a mistake.. I’m sorry.”

And a huge part of me tells me that this will happen. He is acting like last time… when I talk to him. He is commenting and speaking to her the way he did…. The last time. I feel like I did the last time. Right before they got together. Right before I promised myself “never again”. You can never say never, I guess. I feel like such an idiot. I fell like… a doll, that people play with. Without me being able to stop it, I just let it happen.

It’s just… I’m weak. He makes me so vulnerable. He makes me so fragile, and then he breaks me. Into a million tiny pieces, and it takes a what feels like a million years to put them together again.

It’s like I have nothing to protect myself with. He pushes down my guard, without any resistance on my behalf. I feel like I’m making a huge mistake. It’s like I know that no matter what happens, this won’t last… but there’s a part of me that want it so bad, so I can’t let go. If I was any type of smart, I would’ve ended it now, while I can still get out of if without being miserable for the next half year to come.

Why did I EVER do this to myself? Boy, you’ve got me wind up real good this time. And I’ve started to think of Jake ( just thinking, I’m not in love with him anymore). Jake, so normal, so sweet, so thoughtful, so relaxed, so nice and so.. simple? Not as complicated as Nick. He’s becoming a real pain with his mood changes. Jake would have been a much more natural and easy choice. Much more comfortable and worriless. Much more sweet in one way.

But my heart is not in on it. So what can I do? I long for the part in Nick that I’ve only seen once. The part that works like a drug. The part that makes me feel even more vulnerable. The part that I can’t see, but that I can feel. The part of him that means everything to me. The part of him that makes me hold on so tight in fear of loosing it completely if I don’t. the part I got to see when he kissed me. That part.